My spirit guide is a unicorn, apparently…

On Saturday afternoon I went to a ‘Mind, Body and Spirit’ convention with Lauren and Lindsey. This automatically sounds infinitely more grand and mythical than in actually was.

On the walk up to the community centre where it was held (which has a large sign proudly proclaiming itself to be a ‘Library, Community Centre and Clinic’. Yes, all three rolled into one. You can return ‘War and Peace’, sign up to a pottery class, and get checked out for gonorrhoea in one fell swoop. Ideal.) there was a completely uninspiring handmade poster for the event with words like ‘Tombola!’, ‘Tarot!’ and ‘Refreshments!’ written on it in felt tip. Still, we continued in our upbeat pursuit of a psychic.

Psychics, mediums and the paranormal in general has fascinated me for a good few years. My interest was fuelled when I heard my mum talk about a really good psychic she went to soon after I was born; this woman had got everything spot on, leading to goosebump galore. Two of my cousins have been to see a medium after losing someone close to them, and both said all good things.

So when I saw a woman in her mid-twenties sat at a rickety table with a few faux gem stones and a chipped crystal ball scattered on it, I tried to remain positive. It was either her or ‘Tarot reading with John’, and Lindsey had quickly poached that hunk of burning love (Phil Mitchell a-like), so I was left with the Addams family pin cushion. This woman had the most facial piercings I had ever seen on a person in real life. Thick stainless steel hoops and spikes emerged from her eyebrows, lips, ears, and a devil’s tail wound from her nose. Her black eyebrows were drawn on so they came down her face in an unusually long manner, and she was wearing psychedelic flowery patterned leggings, a black netted corset dress, and huge black spiked boots.

She told me she had a ‘psychic gift’: I asked how much this gift was going to cost first - mamma didn’t raise no fool. She said it was a tenner; I could live with that.

She was actually quite sweet and softly spoken, despite her metallic outer crust. She asked if she could hold my hand between hers while she did the reading, and told me not to be afraid if she went into a meditative state because she was simply “tuning into my psychic field”. As you do. At this point I was really glad I’d left Lauren and Lindsey occupied with tarot-with-John.

The first thing she said to me was “You need to start studying more and stop watching so much telly.”
Oh my shit, she’s actually psychic! I thought. Anyone who is even vaguely aware of my existence will know that I’ve been obsessed with BB11 for the past couple of months. I would literally sit and watch live feed all day if I could get away with it. This, coupled with the fact I have approx 9782 books to read for my final year of Uni, led me to believe she was right on the money.

In hindsight, I should’ve just left then.

She continued:
“You’re about to start a college course…”
Well, I am at Uni. And I’m about to start a Welsh second language college course in September. I’d let her have it.
“…in fashion design.”
“Umm… no.”
“…hair and beauty?”
Christ, love. I had barely any make-up on and serious bed hair. I am definitely more Beauty School drop out. Welsh, you’re looking for WELSH!

She swiftly moved on.
“You’re after getting a pet…”
“I already have pets.”
“Have you got a guinea pig?”
“No…”
“But you like guinea pigs”
“Well, not really…”
“Because I can see a little ginger guinea pig. It’s really cute. Look out for one coming into your life…”
Seriously. She wasn’t telling me to look out for a chance encounter with Mr Right, but a ginger flaming guinea pig.
“…only, let it have a cage inside the house. It’ll die if you put it outside in the cold.”
It’s August.
But as long as the guinea pig is alright, happy days.

“You’re really excited about something, aren’t you? A holiday…”
Yes, YES! I’m going to New York! Pleeeeeeease say New York!
“… a beach holiday.”
Oh fuck.
“I can see a jelly fish.”
“Actually, I’m going on a winter holiday. It will be snowy.”
“Well, snow equals water, and jelly fish live in water.”
Oh, yeah, of course. Tamato, tomato.

At this point she got a bit of psychic interference (oo-er). Someone was trying to ‘get through’ to me. Amazeballs! Michael Jackson? Princess Di? Shakespeare? Let’s chat! She titled her head and said in a soft voice:
“Do you know anyone who’s passed on to the other side called Sophie?”
“No. I don’t know a Sophie.”
“Oh… well a young girl then?”
“No. Sorry.”

I actually apologised. For her own shitness. I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for her. She was dying on her arse, like a woodlouse that’s gone over on its back and can’t get up again, no matter how much it wiggles its legs.

“It’s ok, they do that sometimes… lots of people trying to get through at once, you see…”
Bless.
“Ok here we go… I’ve got a tall man, white hair, bald patch, walks with a stick, smokes a pipe, died age 73. Your granddad!”
Ahh. My granddad. With his bald patch; yes, and a stick; yes, aged seventy-something; yes, and… oh. The small matter that HE’S STILL ALIVE!!

This is probably completely awful of me, but I found myself just going along with it.
“Ahh yes, that’s him. That’s Brian.”
Should I cry? I wondered.

“Did you have eggs for breakfast?”
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
“No. I can’t remember the last time I ate an egg.”
“Well that’s the problem, then. He’s telling me you’re not getting enough protein, so he’s giving you the gift of egg and soldiers.”
To be fair, I thought it was jolly nice of this spirit man who didn’t know me from Adam to be concerned about my egg intake, so I accepted the breakfast.

“You need to drink more milk too.”
“I don’t like milk.”
“How about milkshake?”
“Yeah, I don’t think I’ll like that either, what with it being milk based…”
“You’re not getting enough vitamins and minerals! Maybe take a supplement.”
At this point I was convinced she was working for Holland and Barrett’s.

After that she said a few general things like "you have a lot of love surrounding you, and you have a lot of love in your heart". Well, she wasn't going to tell me I'm a coldhearted cow who was being followed by the grim reaper, was she? She said she can see the colour green around me, which signals education - maybe I can put this in my personal statement when I'm applying for my PGCE. And she also said my spirit guide is a unicorn, that follows me around giving me hope and making sure I'm safe. I like that.

But turns out my psychic didn’t have a ‘gift’ afterall. She was just an average girl, like me, guessing and stumbling and hoping for the best. And, like me, she doesn’t have a clue what’s going to happen in the future. I suppose we’ll just have to live it to find out.