"If you lick his face I'll pay for your Nando's..."

I’ve fancied the pants off Russell Brand since I first saw him on Big Brother’s Big Mouth back in 2005. An odd choice for a 15 year old, considering all my peers were hankering after the likes of Justin Timberlake, David Beckham and just, ya know… non ex-drug addicts. But there was something about the way his hair stood a good 2 feet above his head in a black tangled mess, his random stringing together of words (“Umbongo Jumanji Russell!”), his hilarious but bizarre sense of humour, and his overall unique presence that caught my attention. Back then, I didn’t have a clue people like Russell Brand actually existed. He was a fascinating novelty to me. Also, I liked the way he’d say “Pulled down my trousers and pants” every episode, but I never told anyone that bit.

I continued in my admiration of Russell Brand - while my friends went through their Zac Efron stages, or whatever - throughout his career, which was probably not aimed at a rather virtuous 16 year old; presenting BBBM and the NME awards, Russell Brand on the Road, The Russell Brand Show, Russell Brand’s Ponderland (which I still adore - cannot watch the episode on ‘Childhood’ without laughing so much I literally stop breathing and thus panic). I went to see all his films at the cinema; St Trinians, where he played Flash Harry; then there was Forgetting Sarah Marshall; more recently Get Him To The Greek, which was bloody brilliant (in my strictly unbiased opinion). Then there’s his stand-up shows; Shame, Doing Life: Live, Scandalous: all hilarious, of course. Interviews, podcasts, TV appearances; been there, heard that, taped the other. Okay okay, I’m starting to sound like his Wikipedia page now. Moving on…

It’s only once you’ve read Booky Wook that you can really understand Russell Brand for the person that he is actually is, rather than his stage and media caricature; staggeringly intelligent, beautifully philosophical, sensitive, generous, thoughtful, and strong.

I’m not one to judge people for the person they have once been; your past builds towards the person you are to become, and as long as that person is kind and decent and loving, that’s all I’m interested in. People are quick to accuse others of changing for the worse, but few of us trust that people can change for the better.

We all know that Russell was an addict: heroin, alcohol, sex. Even Penguin biscuits at one point (particularly the blue wrappered variety). At it’s worst, his drug addiction got to the point where he was told he had two choices: quit it all, immediately; or continue, and be met with prison, a mental asylum, or death within the next 6 months. Simple as that.

And, well… he’s still here. (At least I hope he bloody is or I met some crazed impostor last week.) He tore himself from his loved ones, his home country, and the only life he’d ever known, to go to rehab in America where he went completely cold turkey. I don’t think any of us could comprehend the strength, bravery, and pain involved in that. He describes this period in detail in his book - never once looking for sympathy, or in a self-indulgent, pitying manner. Just with brutal honesty. Reading it was painful enough; living it is unimaginable. In December it’ll be 8 years since Russell turned his back on that drink and drug driven lifestyle, and he has never once looked back. My admiration and respect for him because of this is through the roof.

And it's not just because I think he's sexy as hell (which I do), or because I think he's a comedy genius (which I do), but I can identify with a lot of what Russell says. Obviously I’m a bit wishy washy on the whole sex-drugs-rock’n’roll aspect, but the deeper side - his thoughts on life and stuff - I’m totally there on that one. And believe it or not, I’m prone to the odd peculiar thought too.

So when I finished Russell’s Booky Wook I got it into my head that, if he wrote a second, I WOULD be going to his book signing. And I was going to meet him. I informed my best friend Lindsey of my plan, and she said she was well up for this. Lauren and Jen were also beyond keen to meet old Ruster Brand too. Excellent. Sorted.

But this was back in 2008. I just though it was one of those things you talk about, but never actually do. Like going to Pilates, or eating an avocado. Fast forward to Thursday 7th October 2010, and my alarm is going off at 6am, to catch a 7.40am train to Liverpool with Lindsey, Lauren and Jen. We sat outside Waterstone’s for six hours on cushions and blanket’s we’d bought from Primark, reading magazines, eating copious amounts of sweets, and frantically exclaiming “But what will we SAY to him?!!?” at random intervals. It went quite quickly, actually.

At about quarter to 3 things started to get exciting. We were moving! There was about 30 people in front of us in the queue, and around 400 people behind us, so we felt rather lucky. At this point the four of us were very giddy and a bit delirious with excitement. Lindsey was squeezing my hand for moral support and Lauren literally ran through the store: “I can’t believe I just cantered through Waterstone’s!” The place was crawling with security, natch, but they were all lovely chaps. One even looked after my bag for me while I did the actual meeting, which was very sweet. When Russell walked in everyone just went off their faces; screaming, pushing, shoving. At only 4ft 11 a lot of this went over my head (ba dum dum chhhh) and I couldn’t see much, but it was a thrilling atmosphere nevertheless.

But pretty soon I got to the front of the queue. And I just stood there, staring at Russell Brand sat on the desk, looking at me with a whopping great big grin on his face and his arms out for a hug. “Now then now then!” he says while beckoning me over. It was like going to see Santa, expect about 5000 times better and on a more adult level. *Makes inappropriate joke about sacks. Deletes it* I walked over and he hugged me and I was a bit WTF RUSSELL BRAND JUST TOUCHED ME; then he started signing my book. As I say he was sat on the end of the desk and it felt like I was standing reeeeally close to him and I didn’t really know where to look but AT HIM. Like, inches from me. Again, WTF.

It was at this point I squeaked “I’m so happy to see you!”. Smooth Amy, smooth.

Russell: I’m happy to see you too! Thanks for waiting.
Me: It’s alright. I’m missing lectures for this.
AMY YOU DICK WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?!?!
Russell: What’re you in Uni for?! You won’t learn anything there, fuck it! You’ll get a better education from life!
Me: Haha…ha…
Ooo, maybe I should quit Uni...
Russell: You’re really gorgeous.

Now then. Now then indeed. I’m seriously not making that up; actual Russell Brand looked right into my very own eyes and actually said that to me. Don’t ask me why - I still don’t understand it myself. Perhaps he was taking the piss. Perhaps he felt sorry for me. Perhaps (okay... probably) he's said the same thing to 427,863 other girls. But bloody hell, it was the best thing anyone’s ever said to me.

Me: Tha… thank you!
Russell: That’s alright, it’s true.

Literally speechless. Gone. Soul has left body. Empty shell of a girl.

Russell handed my book to me and gave me another hug and kissed my cheek, and I was really conscious of his stubble all scratchy and lovely on my face. (I love stubble. Especially Russell stubble).

I took a step to leave but turned back as Russell started speaking. He looked right into my face again and said “See you soon, beautiful girl” and winked. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll take him up on that…

Later that day, I realised I'd forgotten to tell Russell I loved him, and was a bit gutted with myself. But then I opened my Booky Wook 2 and saw that he'd written in it "Amy <3 Russell". I think he got the picture... :-)

Favourite Russell Brand quotes

'We all have an essential self, but if you spend every day chopping up meat on a slab, and selling it by the pound, soon you’ll find you’ve become a butcher. And if you don’t want to become a butcher (and why would you?), you’re going to have to cut right through to the bare bones of your own character in the hope of finding out who you really are. Which bloody hurts.'

'For me happiness occurs arbitrarily: a moment of eye contact on a bus, where all at once you fall in love; or a frozen second in a park where it's enough that there are trees in the world.'

'No-one really feels self-confident deep down because it's an artificial idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously: you must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you.'

'Mum is the nucleus of my being and that’s really somewhere beyond analysis. She’s so far ensconced in my psyche, so deeply encoded, so profoundly ingrained in who I am, that while I’m not usually stuck for words on anything, I find it difficult to use words in this context. She’s just at my very core.’
(That’s exactly how I feel about my mum).

'Part of me is not really over it. There’s a little part of my brain that’s, ‘Russell, where are the opiates?’ - ‘I’m afraid we can’t have any more opiates.’ - ‘Why?’ - ‘You nearly killed me, didn’t you?’ - ‘That was just a joke!’'

'Even as a junkie I stayed true [to vegetarianism] - 'I shall have heroin, but I shan't have a hamburger.' What a sexy little paradox.'

'The only reason I hadn’t made a serious attempt to kill myself was because I just thought, “I’ve not done anything yet”.'

'I didn’t get invited to parties and the like on account of the ol’ oddness.'

'My life is just a series of embarrassing incidents, strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents.'

'Nothing is important, expect finding love within yourself and being all honourable and gracious and beautiful.'

'I wish you’d stop attacking me just for the crime of being myself!'