Well well well, look what we have here.
I’ve managed to survive a TORTUROUS (quite bad) WEEK (5 days) without the internet as my craptop went all crazy on my ass. And man, there’s a whole other world out there - a world of books and children and snow and conversations that don’t involve a keyboard. Who knew?
While you were tweeting…
I was back at work this week invigilating the mock GCSE exams at t’school. Most of the other invigilators are in their 60s/70s and stand around discussing their gout and comparing liver spots while I nod along politely. They think being old gives them the supreme right to stand by the heater which is totally not on; just because I’ve not got gout doesn’t mean I don’t get a cold arse. The exam hall is absolutely FREEEEEZING and lately the highlight of my day has been spotting that the heater is free and casually SPRINTING across the hall to practically caress the bloody thing. I can get away with this for approx 37 seconds before the oldies walk past with disapproving glances and witty quips such as “You’ll melt if you stand there much longer”. Sod off, I’m not a Kinder Egg, I’ll be fine.
Wednesday afternoon was good because Amy B was invigilating with me. I went through school with Amy and we were in a lot of the same classes together (read as: got chucked out of a lot of the same classes together). There’s always a laugh when Amy’s about. We passed the two hours by correcting the spelling and grammar on the exam hall posters with a permanent marker. Amy also whispers things like “Look at the girl sat in B12, she has the most squeezable spots I’ve EVER seen” to me, so I have to toddle past to check ‘em out while trying not to laugh, coz we are well mature and profeshnul innit. The first summer we were invigilating one of the parents actually rang up and complained about us; “My little darling couldn’t concentrate on her history exam because two of your invigilators stood GOSSIPING throughout”. We don’t get to work together often, to be honest.
I’ve been spending the thinking time invigilating allows me very wisely. That is, I’ve been eying up potential suitors for my year 11 friend, Amy. (Yes guys, I’ve introduced a THIRD Amy to the equation here. If you need to draw a spider diagram to deal with all this, feel free). This is not because I’m trying to be patronising or think she’s desperate or anything, I just love match making. If I was a Jane Austen character, I’d be Emma Woodhouse. So anyway, I have four potentials with reasons for each, which include:
1) Is very polite.
2) Has a nice coat.
3) Has a cool name.
4) Looks like he could fix a computer.
To be fair, I’ve really realised the importance of number 4 lately, so much so I’m even going to have it written into my marriage vows. “I promise to love, honour, obey, and re-boot your hard drive whenever necessary”.
I shall run these names past her and see what she says.
Jesus. Why I haven’t been sacked by now is beyond me.
Moving swiftly on...
This weekend I stayed with my cousin Emma, her husband Shaun, and their two boys; almost-eight Ellis and three-year-old Finn. They only live just over an hour away on the train but I have to leave Wales to get there which essentially makes it a holiday. IT’S A HOLIDAY GODDAMNIT! I love staying with them, it’s always cosy and welcoming and lovely.
Em and I did a spot of shopping, as usual. It’s great shopping together: we don’t have to hide our shoppers OCD because it’s something we both share. For example, we cannot, under any circumstances, buy the first item off a wrack/shelf. Desired item has to be taken from at least a third of the way back. It’s just how we roll. Don’t question it, embrace it.
Shaun managed to fix my laptop, and my reaction was something along the lines of “OMG! AMAZING! HERO! GENUIS! ALL HAIL GIVER OF LIFE!”, until we went to PC World where I spent a good 20minutes crushing on Apple products and rocking back and forth chanting “Mac Mac Mac Mac”. Obviously then wanted to go home and re-break my laptop so I’d have an excuse to get a smooth and lickable Mac.
Funny things the boys say:
Finn is playing the part of an inn keeper in his nursery school play.
Joseph: Is there any room at the inn?
Finn: Yeah, there’s loads.
*psst, Finn, there’s no room at the inn!*
Finn: But there is though, look!
*No Finn, tell them to go to the stable!*
Finn: Table? What table?
Listing things he likes.
Finn: I like eating and drinking and sucking and playing.
Nursery nurse: Don’t touch that Finn, it’s got germs on it!
Finn: Well why don’t you move it out of my way then?
*they move object*
Finn: That’s more like it.
Ooo he’s his mother’s boy! ;-) Love ‘im big time.
Ellis snuggling up to me while we watch X Factor.
Me: I’ll have to make the most of this, bet you won’t want cuddles off me when you get older will you?
Ellis: No.
Me: Dude! You could’ve at least lied to me!
Ellis: But I won’t though. When I’m about ten I probably won’t.
I HAVE TWO YEARS LEFT PEOPLE! *sobs* Best start getting Finn snuggle ready.
After a few moments quiet contemplation.
Ellis: I haven’t even named my widger yet. Do you want to help me think of names?
I become particularly hysterical when the ‘widger’ became known as ‘Freddie’ and was given a personality, which involved “liking hide and seek”. He was utterly innocent and we were speechless/laughing/shocked.
Ways in which Ellis has woken me up over the years...
1) By playing with my hair.
2) By stroking my leg.
3) By climbing in my bed and slowly inching me out of it.
4) "Amy, it's snowing!"
5) "Amy, I've got a runny nose..."
6) "Do you want to play Mario Kart?"
Love that boy sfm!
Embarrassing things I did:
On returning to the living room after reading a bedtime story to Ellis, I fell down the last 5 or so stairs, ended up flat on my face, stood up thinking “Phew, glad no one saw, hope Em and Shaun didn’t hear that”, then preceded to trip over the guinea pig cage and end up on all fours whispering “Sorry Fudge”. Such grace. Why the Royal Ballet haven't snapped me up by now, God only knows. In hindsight, I should’ve put the light on.
Me: “You know that cruise ship you were working on*?”
Shaun: “Yeah”.
Me: “When you were stood near the edge, did you not feel like you were gonna, just… fall off?”
Shaun: “Erm… there’s a barrier round the edge Aim”.
Me: “Ohh.. Oh right. Good idea that”.
Oh dear. Imagine my idea of a cruise ship? Hold on tight kids! And yes, ladies and gents, I WILL be teaching the next generation. Yay for them!
*Disclaimer: he’s totally not a cruise ship entertainer. It’s some kind of techie job I don’t understand. But yeah, totally not Jane McDonald, honest.
So there we are, that’s my waffle for the night. I’ve got to go and read Sam Shepard plays now. Tally ho! (WTF?) xx
